I WANT TO SEE

"What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked.  "My Rabbi," "the blind man said, "I want to see!" Mark 10:51

When my father was diagnosed with Cancer he asked only one thing..... that I give him 24 hours.  Not so that he could process the diagnosis, but so I could.  At first I assumed this had more to do with my heightened emotional state after hearing the news,  but later I realized that Dad just needed me to have time to process, and collect myself, so I could meet him where he was.  And where he was, was okay.

Of course, no one wants to hear the word Cancer.  No one wants to embark on the journey required to fight this disease.  And no one wants to put the people they love on this journey with them.  But that's where we were;  as a family, beginning a journey.  And that journey would be tough.  In that first 24 hours, we cried separately, prayed separately, screamed separately, and gathered our strength for the road ahead.

Compassion is a funny thing.  It has many faces.  Compassion, at the very least, can relate to others in their pain or their loss.  But when compassion is at its best, it not only relates, it finds a way to fight for others.  That's when compassion takes on a voice.

During my Father's cancer battle I struggled to find my voice.  I felt like I should be "helping", "making a difference", "doing something, anything"!  But mostly what I felt was helpless. Helpless is a word most of us can relate too when it comes to the battle against Cancer.

But as God would have it, there was a purpose to my struggle.  As I struggled, and asked God for clarity.  God, in his perfect timing, left me lost and searching for answers.  Like the blind man, I wanted to see what Dad saw so I could understand.  And as I fought to see what Dad saw, God fought to show me what He wanted me to see. 

I could never understand how Dad felt, because I'd never fought his battle.  I'd never understand how Mom felt, because Dad was the love of her life, her partner, and her best friend.  I'd never understand the pain of their battle, or the sting of  their crushed dreams.   I would never really "see" things from their perspective.  But that is the beauty of compassion.  When we don't get it, when we don't understand, we can still fight to find a voice, to do our best to make sure the next person never has to hurt like we hurt.

In my blindness, I finally saw what God wanted me to see.  While I was so busy feeling helpless, voiceless, and inadequate in the battle for Dad's life,  I was missing the point.  Dad didn't need me to be like him or feel like him in order to help, he needed me to be me.   The gifts God gave me; my sense of humor, my care and compassion, and my strength, was what my father needed from me.

In our journey along side family members or friends fighting a disease, God doesn't want us "get it".  He wants us to be the person he created us to be.  And that is exactly what the Coker family is doing to battle alongside their loved one, Marc Stringer.

I've known the Coker family since I was a kid in school.  Or maybe I should say, since before Misty and Jay were a family of their own.  We were all just kids.  Kids with dreams, hopes, and a future.  We didn't ask for the families we were born into, or the factors that melded us into the adults we are today.  And today, we're still those same kids on the inside, just 40+ years later.  Hearts full of hope,  lives full of promise,  and faithfully trusting that it will all work out as God has planned.

Recently their sweet family embarked on a journey.  A journey similar to mine.  A journey where all of them had to meet where Marc was.  A journey of faith.  A journey with many unknowns.  And their family, like mine, is full of compassion for Marc as well as others fighting this battle.  It's the kind of compassion I mentioned earlier that says, I don't want anyone else to ever have to feel the way I felt; lost, confused, hurt, and sometimes alone in my own pain.

And in true Coker fashion, they've compiled an army of hearts who "understand" their passion and feel that same "compassion for this battle".  It's an army that I'm proud to belong to, and one that will accomplish far more as a "family of fighters" than any one of us could ever do alone.

In March of 2018 the Coker / Stringer families and friends are uniting for families embarking on that "blind journey of faith".  The first annual "Endure the Dirt Adventure Race" fundraiser is set to fund the information packet that hopes to motivate, encourage, and educate Cancer patients and their families who are beginning this same journey. Together we'll raise our voices in harmony, in honor of Marc, but also to honor the many other families like mine, and like the Coker's, who find themselves "blind" looking for a glimmer of light on a long road.

My prayer is that you find your light, or at the very least, a little strength from their experiences. And if at first you can't see, it's okay, God will bring light to what he wants to reveal in your own battle. Until then, just know, you aren't alone. 

For more information about the race please log on to https://www.personalpeprally.org/endure-the-dirt  

OR 

To sign up for the race, please log on to https://runsignup.com/Race/AR/Stuttgart/MudRun    

#gameon  #endurethedirt

The Unseen Journey

One of the emails I get each week is from a website called My Fitness Pal.  I know, I know…. just take one look at me and you’ll understand that I only subscribe for the cool “healthy” recipes, not the yoga or exercise routines.  But today, I clicked on one of the pictures, not because I was intrigued by the Yoga position but because of something in the title that caught my eye.  This message has been rolling around in my head for the last couple of weeks and it’s been heavy on my heart for even longer. 

THE UNSEEN JOURNEY   

I love sharing the message with students about God’s relentless love for us; it is a gift that cannot be bought with our charitable deeds.  In other words, you can’t earn your way into heaven.   However, we never really say much about the alternative; that you can earn a spot in hell. Sin is a very real issue in our world.  Sin destroys lives, marriages, families, and friendships. Sin is at the core of our nature. And if left to its own devices it can take over and lead you straight down a path of destruction. The difference between the “hot spot” and heaven is salvation.  But it’s still a choice, and it’s one we need to stand by, not just put on the back shelf once we make it. Choosing Christ is a lifelong commitment.  

THEY MAKE IT LOOK SO EASY           

One of the biggest jokes at my house is the infomercial or video instructions that come with every “quick and easy” product that’s now out on the market. That chick in her dress pants grouting the bathroom floor with that “easy-peasy can of spray grout looks like she just stepped off the page of a magazine. Seriously?!  By the time I got through helping to grout the living room floor I looked like I had been drug behind a truck, could barely move my legs, and had bruised knees!  Reality is never as easy as those commercials make it look.  And neither is our lives. One of the biggest tricks of photography, besides all the filters and fixes, is that it only shows us that one moment in time. That quick snapshot of time is all we see. We don’t see all the failed moments.

With social media at the height of our communication we are more disillusioned than ever. We are instantly envious of that guy’s new truck, that girl’s perfect body, the accomplishments of so-and-so’s kid, that baseball team that just won the tournament, need I go on?  The list of “in your face – my world is perfect” posts are endless.  As all these shining moments appear before our eyes we are instantly reminded of “what we are not” and we begin comparing how their lives look on the outside to how we feel on the inside.  We don’t see the hours of practice it took that team to get it right, or the pain that young lady endures daily to keep herself in shape, or how hard that guy worked to earn the money to buy that truck, or the sleepless nights that student endured to earn those grades.  Somewhere, someone, made a sacrifice for all of those shining moments that we see staring back at us.  But we don’t see that, do we? We never see the commitment and sacrifices made. We never see the “unseen journey”.  All we see is the end result.

ITS NOT EASY AND THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

Envy is a sin.  It’s ugly.  It can be a deal breaker and a game changer. It can even provoke God-fearing people to spew venom. As quickly as the sting of that post sinks in, our boiling blood can cause us to strike out on that keyboard. One key at a time, we post a response or caddy remark that we can’t take back. Sarcastic undertones with screen shots sent to our buddies, is a back handed way to feed the beast.  But it won’t stop there. Because just like you, your friends will share or pass on your tacky remarks.  Eventually, inevitably, the victim of your “act of jealously” will find out.  It’s the devil’s way.  He’s not happy until the hurt gets spread as far and as wide as possible.  So why entertain the devil?  That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach is there for a reason, it’s your conscience telling you that “you know better”. 

Our envy doesn’t stop there. Our children must be better, prettier, smarter, more talented, blah blah blah…. They aren’t allowed to lose, fail, quit, fall short, or flunk.  They have a ridiculous schedule of lessons, practices, competitions, and over-achieving academic goals to ensure their success.  It is a never-ending battle between “doing the right thing” for our kids or getting sucked in to the “everybody is doing it” saga. In laymen terms that “keeping up with the Joneses” issue that our parents joked about, has been taken to a whole new level.

Friends, what happened to us? We started out with the Ferber method teaching our children to self soothe and cope with our absence but we have spent every moment since teaching them that they can’t live without us!   We have morphed into those “helicopter parents”.  We swoop in and save the day constantly because our kids can’t deal and can’t fail!  They cannot possibly keep up with the pace.  If the penalty for leaving a book at home is an “F” on their daily work then we quickly run the book up to the school because the “F” will affect their GPA, which in turn might affect their eligibility to play in sports, or keep them from earning that much needed scholarship, etc.  It doesn’t matter that we had to take 30 minutes off work to go get the book.  Or that little Jr. has learned nothing about responsibility because the “rescue squad” will come running.  Everything from their science fair projects to their book reports all require an insane amount of parental involvement.  Otherwise, there is no way it would get done.  Especially since these kids are taking lessons or practicing on most nights to keep up with their rigorous schedule. And lord forbid your child not participate!  Our children are not suffering from a lack of esteem or lack of love or even a lack of discipline.  But they are suffering.  They suffer from something I’ll call “Competition Syndrome”. They are competing to reach a socially acceptable mark.  But are they learning anything in the process?

LIVE AND LEARN

My parents didn’t get it and neither did theirs.  I can’t possibly imagine what the young mothers of today are dealing with.  The reality is, there will always be a social gap or learning curve due to the quickly changing world we live in.  But there are a few “never changing truths” that we can all agree on no matter what era we come from.  God is still God.  Remember that unseen journey I mentioned? Your journey will look different than mine. I won’t compare yours to mine. But somewhere in our journey we need to make sure that our commitment to Christ isn’t just a statement we make, a one-time event for show, or something we take out and dust off when its needed. Our children are watching every move we make.  If you and I can’t live up to the fruits of the spirit, how can we expect the next generation to.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control aren’t mere suggestions of how we should act. They are the very heart of who we are as a Christian.  And our children deserve to be shown this and taught this.  Because one day you and I won’t be around to swoop in and save them, but Christ will.  

  

  

Lent Photo Challenge - Day 6 - WISE

For all of our students in the last semester of your high school or college years - this one is for you.  

Most of us seek to be educated from the time we are born, learning everything we can from those around us. At the tender age of 5 we have educational goals that are set for us and it seems to take an eternity till we finally complete 12th grade. (Shout out to our seniors of SHS ) Our secondary education (college) gives us a little more wiggle room in that we can choose where we are educated and what direction we want to go(our degree). Then finally, after all those years of being educated, you are ready to set the world on fire! 

Stepping out on your own can be exciting and scary. So I'm offering these words of advice that have been shared with me over the years. 

1. Don't forget that the best, and most important, education you received actually started at home. The example of your family and wise words that they shared came from a place of love and can offer you an education that is priceless. 

2. Knowledge is a wonderful thing to have, but it is useless if not coupled with the wisdom that only living can bring you. There will be some mistakes made, but learn from them. 

3. If you get lost somewhere along your path in life, just remember where you came from. And if you can't remember, then go home. There is no shame in hitting the reset button. 

4. Never stop learning; read, explore, try new things and above all listen. The knowledge we gain from listening to those around us is timeless and ageless. 

5. Be a good person, but don't waste precious time trying to prove it. You will have haters but their opinion is useless when you remember that you are God's treasured child. 

6. Find your people. The world is full of amazing and wonderful people, we thrive in tribes.  Alone is okay but only for a time of reflection and meditation. If you spend too much time alone you'll forget to grow.  

7. Read the Bible, pray, and worship God daily. Be careful not to get hung up on the words, dig deeper to understand the context and meaning. God is so great and merciful.  He will be your lifeline many times in your life so get to know Him!

8.  Weird is wonderful but only if you're willing to accept that not everyone will get it. (And that's okay). Don't be so easily offended. You can be you, but don't insist that everyone get it or like it. I don't get to tell you who to be, and you don't get to tell me how to feel.  It's just that simple. 

9. Complacent is the worst thing you can be. You can be pleased with what you've accomplished but humility will serve you far more than any accomplishment ever will. Sacrifice for someone else, but do it for the right reasons, not for the tax write-off or recognition. Give graciously and generously and remember your time is a gift. When they say you can't take it with you, they aren't kidding. 

10. Conflict is okay. That's how we grow. There will be times in your life when you are surrounded by conflict. The best ideas and greatest unions often come from conflict. We don't all think alike or react alike. In those situations not everyone needs to speak. Sometimes the greatest response is silence. It can speak volumes.  

"Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in the fruit salad."

My Daughter is a Fixer-Upper

I had a little prayer meeting with God last night.  This time I did a little more listening than talking.  I’ve gained perspective (not sure we can call it wisdom just yet) on a subject that has been an exhausting battle my entire life.  The Mother-Daughter dynamic, albeit complex, can be defined in just a few short specifics.  I thought you guys would get a kick out of this so bear with me… 

My two precious daughters are as different as daylight and dark.  Every parent at some point will express the same thing about their children.  Books have been written on the very subject.  Our children are diverse for reasons only God can know.  And their “differences” keep us jumping back and forth with our parenting practices trying to “monitor and adjust” with how we handle each situation with each child.  More proof that God has a sense of humor.  With each situation I still end up scratching my head wondering if any of it was handled with the care and love it was intended to be handled with.  And I can assure you, from my perspective, it most likely wasn’t. 

MY DAUGHTER IS A FIXER-UPPER

When a daughter seeks the approval and advice of her mother it is such a beautiful thing.  In the daughter’s mind she is seeking the nurturing intuition of an older, wiser, person that she loves. Right?  But in reality, what she is actually doing is pulling the pin on a grenade!  What she gets in return is a woman who still, for some reason, wants to “fix” her.  Mom I expect you to giggle about this because I am my mother’s daughter!   (Insert anecdote) “Daughter #1” needs new contacts and glasses.  She has the money and she is insured.  What she doesn’t have is the ability to make her own eye doctor appointment.  Why? Because I never “let” her do it for herself before.  Not that she can’t.  It’s just that she’s never had to.  She’s 23, living alone, and has a nice job. Do you think I can just be happy about that?  NO!  All I can do is fret about the fact that she needs new contacts and glasses and she is in a town where she hasn’t established a relationship with the caregivers that can provide medical services yet.  Not a big deal.  Certainly nothing to lose sleep over!  Yet I do.  In my mind here’s how it plays out… She’s wearing her last pair of contacts so there is no backup.  She’s already complaining that she can’t see out of them.  Her glasses are old and need to be adjusted just to keep them on her head.  She’s as blind as I am and needs to get both replaced.  She gets an eye infection.  She misses work because of the eye infection.  It’s a new job!  She’ll lose her job! You see how I’ve already turned needing contacts into a lost job!? This is all fabricated of course because that’s what we do, as mothers.  I’ve given her a list of preferred providers in her area so she can choose one that will work for her.  But it has been two weeks and all I get from her are text complaints that this one or that one won’t work around her work schedule.  I’ve tried to offer encouragement but with each response there is always an “underlying dig” from me that she is a procrastinator.  Why can’t I just keep being encouraging and not dig up every instance of procrastination she has ever displayed? Because I’m a score keeper!

THE FEMALE SCOREKEEPER with A SHORT FUSE

Women are amazing creatures that have minds that can multitask and take on multiple duties without batting an eyelash.  We also have a memory like an elephant.  If you have done anything that deems noteworthy in our memory it just sticks around waiting for the opportunity to be brought back up again.  Raising daughters is no different.  I have an entire laundry list of examples for my daughters just waiting to be used as a “teaching tool” to keep them from making the same mistakes over and over.  Because that’s necessary, right?  However, the lid on that laundry list isn’t screwed on very tight and the slightest upset can cause spillage that has no shutoff valve!  By now you are getting the picture but just in case it’s not clear please allow me to elaborate.  The little diva I’m raising, “Daughter #2”, has taken too long in the bathroom getting ready (for the 9 millionth time) and it’s possible she’ll be late for work.   Instead of “letting” her deal with the consequences I have to bring up that she’s deprived children of a third world country of water because her shower was an insane 30 minutes long! Then I remind her of the other times we were late for events from back when she was 6 and 10 (because those events were noteworthy).  And while I’m ranting and explaining to her how disrespectful her lack of punctuality is she is steadily getting ready.  Never batting a pretty little eyelash.  And out the door she goes to work. On time. And guess who’s late for work!? ME! Added to the fact that I’m now late because I was so busy “fixing” her that I couldn’t concentrate on me, I’m sick to my stomach.  Why? Because the little girl I love so much just looked at me in horror as I ranted about nothing that mattered at all and now she’s gone out the door and I can’t get those words back.  I had turned her molehill into my mountain.

HER MOLEHILL IS MY MOUNTAIN        

This is probably the funniest and saddest part at the same time.  Let’s rewind to the “Daughter #1” story…  Why must I make her molehill into MY mountain when clearly it’s her eyes that need the glasses and not mine?  WHO THE HECK KNOWS?  Any advice on this one ladies?  In the back of my mind is playing the Disney song “Let it Go” from the movie Frozen! (Yep that’s right my worrying has its own theme music!)  So she’s a procrastinator, so what.  People procrastinate every day and live to talk about it. Am I going to be blamed for her inability to see because she doesn’t have new glasses?  No.   For some crazy and exhausting reason I can’t help myself.   My “mothering” can’t just be nurturing it has to be critical and look for flaws in my daughter that MUST BE FIXED!  What a revelation! And here’s the kicker ladies….. I’m not the first mother that has ever done this to her daughters.  I’m one of millions.  The slightest indication that there is a possible issue and I freak.   Are we on some sort of parenting point system that I am unaware of?  Why does every failure, every flaw, every mistake, directly reflect on me?  IT DOESN’T.  So why do I turn it into MY issue? Who the heck knows?!

At the end of my prayer meeting I’ve come to realize a few very important things about myself and my relationship with my own Mom.   Number one, your children will always be your children no matter how old they are.  You will ALWAYS want to run to their rescue.  Even when you can’t. Even when you shouldn’t.  So some advice for my girls.  Don’t mention it to me if you don’t want to set into motion the “rescue squad”.   However, I will do my best to be a better listener and not interject my “two cents” worth about what you should have done differently when things don’t work out.   But if you ask for my advice, you’re going to get it.   Number two, at some point I’m going to have to let go.  Metaphorically speaking of course.  I can hold on tight to the values and morals that I hope I’ve instilled in my daughters and let go of the fact that they will fail, they are flawed, and they are human.  As am I.  And there isn’t a darn thing wrong with flawed!  We learn by failing.  We evolve into self-sufficient people by learning to do things for ourselves.  Not by having them done for us. This will be a challenge for me!  Number three, I will try to keep this score keeping, mountain making, ticking time bomb that is inside me in check. And I will try really hard not make every obstacle you have my personal crusade.