My Daughter is a Fixer-Upper

I had a little prayer meeting with God last night.  This time I did a little more listening than talking.  I’ve gained perspective (not sure we can call it wisdom just yet) on a subject that has been an exhausting battle my entire life.  The Mother-Daughter dynamic, albeit complex, can be defined in just a few short specifics.  I thought you guys would get a kick out of this so bear with me… 

My two precious daughters are as different as daylight and dark.  Every parent at some point will express the same thing about their children.  Books have been written on the very subject.  Our children are diverse for reasons only God can know.  And their “differences” keep us jumping back and forth with our parenting practices trying to “monitor and adjust” with how we handle each situation with each child.  More proof that God has a sense of humor.  With each situation I still end up scratching my head wondering if any of it was handled with the care and love it was intended to be handled with.  And I can assure you, from my perspective, it most likely wasn’t. 

MY DAUGHTER IS A FIXER-UPPER

When a daughter seeks the approval and advice of her mother it is such a beautiful thing.  In the daughter’s mind she is seeking the nurturing intuition of an older, wiser, person that she loves. Right?  But in reality, what she is actually doing is pulling the pin on a grenade!  What she gets in return is a woman who still, for some reason, wants to “fix” her.  Mom I expect you to giggle about this because I am my mother’s daughter!   (Insert anecdote) “Daughter #1” needs new contacts and glasses.  She has the money and she is insured.  What she doesn’t have is the ability to make her own eye doctor appointment.  Why? Because I never “let” her do it for herself before.  Not that she can’t.  It’s just that she’s never had to.  She’s 23, living alone, and has a nice job. Do you think I can just be happy about that?  NO!  All I can do is fret about the fact that she needs new contacts and glasses and she is in a town where she hasn’t established a relationship with the caregivers that can provide medical services yet.  Not a big deal.  Certainly nothing to lose sleep over!  Yet I do.  In my mind here’s how it plays out… She’s wearing her last pair of contacts so there is no backup.  She’s already complaining that she can’t see out of them.  Her glasses are old and need to be adjusted just to keep them on her head.  She’s as blind as I am and needs to get both replaced.  She gets an eye infection.  She misses work because of the eye infection.  It’s a new job!  She’ll lose her job! You see how I’ve already turned needing contacts into a lost job!? This is all fabricated of course because that’s what we do, as mothers.  I’ve given her a list of preferred providers in her area so she can choose one that will work for her.  But it has been two weeks and all I get from her are text complaints that this one or that one won’t work around her work schedule.  I’ve tried to offer encouragement but with each response there is always an “underlying dig” from me that she is a procrastinator.  Why can’t I just keep being encouraging and not dig up every instance of procrastination she has ever displayed? Because I’m a score keeper!

THE FEMALE SCOREKEEPER with A SHORT FUSE

Women are amazing creatures that have minds that can multitask and take on multiple duties without batting an eyelash.  We also have a memory like an elephant.  If you have done anything that deems noteworthy in our memory it just sticks around waiting for the opportunity to be brought back up again.  Raising daughters is no different.  I have an entire laundry list of examples for my daughters just waiting to be used as a “teaching tool” to keep them from making the same mistakes over and over.  Because that’s necessary, right?  However, the lid on that laundry list isn’t screwed on very tight and the slightest upset can cause spillage that has no shutoff valve!  By now you are getting the picture but just in case it’s not clear please allow me to elaborate.  The little diva I’m raising, “Daughter #2”, has taken too long in the bathroom getting ready (for the 9 millionth time) and it’s possible she’ll be late for work.   Instead of “letting” her deal with the consequences I have to bring up that she’s deprived children of a third world country of water because her shower was an insane 30 minutes long! Then I remind her of the other times we were late for events from back when she was 6 and 10 (because those events were noteworthy).  And while I’m ranting and explaining to her how disrespectful her lack of punctuality is she is steadily getting ready.  Never batting a pretty little eyelash.  And out the door she goes to work. On time. And guess who’s late for work!? ME! Added to the fact that I’m now late because I was so busy “fixing” her that I couldn’t concentrate on me, I’m sick to my stomach.  Why? Because the little girl I love so much just looked at me in horror as I ranted about nothing that mattered at all and now she’s gone out the door and I can’t get those words back.  I had turned her molehill into my mountain.

HER MOLEHILL IS MY MOUNTAIN        

This is probably the funniest and saddest part at the same time.  Let’s rewind to the “Daughter #1” story…  Why must I make her molehill into MY mountain when clearly it’s her eyes that need the glasses and not mine?  WHO THE HECK KNOWS?  Any advice on this one ladies?  In the back of my mind is playing the Disney song “Let it Go” from the movie Frozen! (Yep that’s right my worrying has its own theme music!)  So she’s a procrastinator, so what.  People procrastinate every day and live to talk about it. Am I going to be blamed for her inability to see because she doesn’t have new glasses?  No.   For some crazy and exhausting reason I can’t help myself.   My “mothering” can’t just be nurturing it has to be critical and look for flaws in my daughter that MUST BE FIXED!  What a revelation! And here’s the kicker ladies….. I’m not the first mother that has ever done this to her daughters.  I’m one of millions.  The slightest indication that there is a possible issue and I freak.   Are we on some sort of parenting point system that I am unaware of?  Why does every failure, every flaw, every mistake, directly reflect on me?  IT DOESN’T.  So why do I turn it into MY issue? Who the heck knows?!

At the end of my prayer meeting I’ve come to realize a few very important things about myself and my relationship with my own Mom.   Number one, your children will always be your children no matter how old they are.  You will ALWAYS want to run to their rescue.  Even when you can’t. Even when you shouldn’t.  So some advice for my girls.  Don’t mention it to me if you don’t want to set into motion the “rescue squad”.   However, I will do my best to be a better listener and not interject my “two cents” worth about what you should have done differently when things don’t work out.   But if you ask for my advice, you’re going to get it.   Number two, at some point I’m going to have to let go.  Metaphorically speaking of course.  I can hold on tight to the values and morals that I hope I’ve instilled in my daughters and let go of the fact that they will fail, they are flawed, and they are human.  As am I.  And there isn’t a darn thing wrong with flawed!  We learn by failing.  We evolve into self-sufficient people by learning to do things for ourselves.  Not by having them done for us. This will be a challenge for me!  Number three, I will try to keep this score keeping, mountain making, ticking time bomb that is inside me in check. And I will try really hard not make every obstacle you have my personal crusade.